Taste and See that the Lord is Good

One of the girls I tutored and her sister

My friends Hulda and Suely

Grade 5

Grade 6

Grade 7

My Volleyball Girls

Some of my close friends

Praise the Lord!

After a very hard October and half of November where I struggled with myself and God, I am so thankful that I through it I have tasted and seen that the Lord is good (Ps 34:8).

Two months ago I was in a dark place, I did not want to be in Paraguay and spiritually I was not doing good. The past two years have been difficult for me with many ups and downs and doubts raised about God’s character and very existence. I began to have trouble praying as I thought “what if God was just an imaginary friend that I have been indoctrinated to believe?” I got to a place where when I read the Bible questions about God’s character and it’s reliability lead to doubt producing indignation and a hard heart rather than an eagerness and desire to find out more. I always thought maybe when onSite would come God would finally make sense again and I would be released from this battle in my mind, but that did not seem to happen. It wasn’t until everything seemingly crashed and there was no distraction to save me from confronting these doubts that I could finally find the truth.

For the first few weeks in October I had decided that if God wasn’t real then I could figure out ways to humanly get over the hurt I was feeling over an ended relationship. I played a lot of guitar, exercised a lot, talked to friends, journalled, everything, but it did not help. I was bitter at God as some people said “it obviously wasn’t God’s plan for you stay together” or “if God wanted you two to be together he would have made it work out” and things of the sort that would just make me angry. I finally came to the point where things were not getting better and everything I could do on my own was not helping. I went to Asuncion and visited Kelly and Tom (my mentors) and shared what was going on in my head and heart thinking that now after I have tried all humanly possible things that maybe I would give God a chance even though he A. might not exist or B. would not help me after I neglected him for such a long time. Tom said something very profound to me as I sat there on their couch telling him about the war in my mind and how stupid I felt that I got myself into this situation by letting myself get so hard hearted so that here I am a “misionera” with doubts about God’s existence. He agreed with me and said “yes, you are stupid.” I looked at him surprised and he elaborated, “yes, you are a failure.” It was comforting.

I believe that in our minds so many things become bigger issues than they truly are. We isolate ourselves thinking that “we are the only ones feeling this way” and we are embarrassed to tell other people our thoughts and struggles. I also think if we do have struggles we confide in people who are having the same struggles thinking “they are the only ones who know and even then they don’t know what it’s like as our situation is unique. That no one before has ever experienced the same and came out the other end ok.” Wrong. That weekend I heard more about the lives of Tom and Kelly who had both experienced many of the same things. They had been through heartbreak and times where they were failures too (haha, Tom that’s for calling me stupid). Even though they did not go through the same doubts I had, they had faith that I lacked and they had answers to questions I never thought of. They also knew people with the same questions. I came back from their house refreshed and back on my feet convinced that if they were right and God was real then what they said about his mercy, forgiveness, and love would be true as well. So I was willing to try the process to recovery again but this time with God and not alone.

Long story short, in the past two months God has addressed all my doubts and through them he has shown me how merciful and faithful he is in spite of my stubbornness and unfaithfulness. He has renewed my mind and my vision and passion to serve him. All of these things I felt would be impossible for God to fix or change and thinking about how he has brings tears to my eyes. I am still so embarrassed thinking about how stubborn and hard hearted I had become that it took years of bad decisions and going overseas as a “misionera” to realize how real and good God is. I am so thankful that God is bigger than me and my bad attitude. He definitely humbles the proud.

So now that you are caught up on how I am actually doing on the inside, on the outside a lot of things have happened since October…and I am not just talking about weightloss from stress and countless exercise haha!

Since November 25 I have finished my work in Villarrica at the school. I was blessed with two great weeks without curriculum to basically hang out with the kids and play games with them. I was also able to go on a couple field trips which was such a good note to end off a hard semester. After it ended I went directly to Yuty where I am right now. I am staying with Christy and Dan Reich and their two boys. It has been great to quiz them on what it’s like to do missions and church-planting in rural Paraguay, which I have always been interested in. They are busy people so it has been a great experience to see what ministry looks like for them in a town with hundreds of little homes in the area where only a few Christians live, and to see how involved they are in the lives of those in the community. They are great examples of missionaries and parents so it has been so good to see their example and take lots of notes in hopes to learn as much as I can to follow their Christ-like example.

After Yuty I will only have 2 months left in Paraguay! Crazy how time flies! Next, I will be headed to Asuncion for a youth camp December 8-12 then I am going to the Falls for my Christmas vacation. After that there’s a retreat with all the missionaries and for the rest of December I will be finishing up work from Ambrose and hanging around Villarrica to continue the friendships I have made. In January I will be moving to San Francisco to live with Amy and Jeff McKissick and their…6 children! In November they phoned and asked if I would be willing to live there and do 2 English courses, one for beginners and another for advanced speakers. In the mornings Jeff also said he would love my help in the health clinic. Amy is a nurse and Jeff is a doctor so other than church-planting they have a van that they transformed into a clinic so I will be able to help him with that in the mornings. Doing nursing and church-planting has always been an interest so I am excited for this opportunity.

Then finally, once I arrive in Canada I have found out what I will be doing next…I will be moving back to Calgary! When I get back I have one modular course left at Ambrose and so in the past month I have been brainstorming different possibilities for what I could do next between that and summer. Through the past couple of months I have realized my desire and need to be mentored and to learn more about ministry in a church setting possibly with immigrants. I got in contact with Foothills Alliance Church and Patricia Love the intercultural ministries pastor has agreed to take me on in a informal internship. For this internship I will be working at the church alongside Patti helping with the administrative and practical tasks to the numerous programs they have to reach foreigners. Foothills is known for having the most established intercultural ministries in Canada and many other churches have asked Patricia to help teach them how they can do the same thing so I am excited for this chance to learn from the lady that started it.

So that is my life these days, thank-you so much for your continual prayers and support. I am so thankful for the body of Christ. From this experience I have an even greater appreciation and understanding of what God’s intention was for us to encourage one another and spur each other on to do good works and continue walking with the Lord.

As far as pray requests other than continual prayer for safety, deeper relationships, love for the people, and a greater love for Jesus, I would also like prayer for this upcoming internship in Calgary. Now that this has been confirmed the next task is to find a place to stay. Since it is an informal internship it is unpaid and so while I am there I will be going more into debt but I feel as though this is where God is leading me and there is no better time for me to do a free internship than now when I am in between college and the work world. For that reason I am looking for a place with either very cheap rent or the best situation would be a place where I can only pay utilities and food so the amount of debt will lessen. As for onSite I am still $4,500 short of the funds needed to raise for being here in Paraguay so please pray and keep your ears open if you hear of a couple or family with a spare room in Calgary.

Thank you so much for your support once again!!